French's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



No. 304. 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S 
TROUBLES 

A iffarr^ In <§nB Art 



BY 

JESSIE A. KELLEY 



Copyright, 1915, by Samuel French 



No permission is required to produce this play 



PRICE 25 CENTS 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 



London 
SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 



28-30 WEST 38th STREET I STRAND 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S 
TROUBLES 

A iffarrp in (^ne Act 



BY 



JESSIE A. KELLEY 



Copyright, 1915, by Samuel French 



No permission is required to produce this pit 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street, 

STRAND 






TMP96-006'*59 

©C1.D 40948 
JUN 16 1915 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES 



CHARACTERS. 

Photographer Mr. Unhappy 

Mrs. Harlow A fond mother 

Mildred Harlow 
Grace Harlow 

. . . .Adults dressed as children 

Mr. Sargent Very wealthy 

Mrs. Jotham Very stout 

Miss Slight Very thin 

Mrs. Newrich Bound to hare ancestors 

Mr. \\''rong Jilio is all zvrong 

Mrs. Changed IVho doesn't know herself 

Rube and Sal IVho zuon't be cheated 

li desired all the parts can be taken by women 
simply changing Mr. to Mrs. in all cases except 
Rube's. His part could readily be taken by a 
woman dressed in man's clothes with a long, old- 
iashioned linen duster reaching almost to the floor. 

COSTUMES. 

Mrs. Harlow. Grotesque attire. 

Mildred and Grace. Made up to look as plain 
and ungainly as possible. Mildred could have 
something put over two front teeth to make them 
appear missing. Freckles would be an addition. 

3 



4 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Mr. Sargent. Very sliowy suit and necktie — 
much striking looking jewelry — has an enormous 
wart on nose which may be made of gum. 

Mrs. Jotham. Rather careless an.d untidy in 
dress or grotesque costume. 

Miss Slight. Clothes to accentuate slimness — 
grotesque and old maidish. 

Mrs. Newrich. Very much overdressed in the 
exaggerated style of the day, carries lorgnette. 

Mrs. Changed. Well dressed in ordinary street 
costume. 

Rube and Sal. As ridiciUous a country make-up 
as possible. They carry old-fashioned valise and 
old green umbrella. 

Other characters in ordinary dress or grotesque. 

STAGE ARRANGEMENT. 

The stage should be arranged to represent a 
photographer's studio with a large camera on tripod, 
photos on walls and table, some chairs and screens 
standing about and a mirror, which should be much 
used by the customers, on tlie wall. 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S 
TROUBLES 



Photographer. (JVorking over camera) I 
wonder what freaks I'll have here this morning. A 
photographer's studio is a great place to study 
human nature, the fat want to look thin, the thin 
want to look fat, the cross want to look pleasant, 
the jolly want to look sad, the old want to look 
young, the young want to look old, the tall want to 
look short, the short want to look tall and every 
other change that could imaginably be rung in on 
human looks. Ho, hum, it's a discontented old 
world. 

(Mrs. Harlow enters with Mildred and Grace.) 

Mrs. Harlow. Good morning. Are you the 
photographer ? 

Photographer. Yes, I am. 

Mrs. Harlow. Do you take real good pictures? 

Photographer. The very best. I'll put my 
work up beside anybody's. 

Mrs. Harlow. Do you take children's pictures? 

Photographer. Yes, indeed, I make a specialty 
of children's pictures. 

Mildred. I don't want my picture took. I had 
5 



6 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

a tooth pulled onct and it hurt orful and I bet it 
hurts worse to hev your picture took. 

Photographer. No, indeed, my little lady, it 
doesn't hurt a bit. I could put you in that pretty 
chair over there and give you a nice book to look 
at and it would be done in a minute. 

Mrs. Harlow. How much do you charge? 

Photographer. Five dollars a dozen, 

Mrs-. Harlow. Five dollars a dozen ! Why, I 
only have these two beautiful children and I don't 
care about paying for pictures of the neighbors' 
children. 

Photographer. You misunderstand me, madam, 
I mean five dollars for a dozen pictures of your two 
lovely children. 

Mrs. Harlow. Oh, I thought you mfeant I had 
to have a dozen children. 

Photographer. Do you wish to have them 
taken together or separate? 

Mrs. Harlow. Oh, I want the little darlings to- 
gether. They do love each other so much and they 
have such angelic dispositions ! 

(Mildred and Grace have been hitting one another, 
pulling hair, making faces, etc.) 

Photographer. \\'ell, take oft" their hats and 
coats and fix their hair and we'll soon have a fine 
picture of them. They are such beautiful children 
they will make a lovely picture. (Aside) That 
always fixes the mother. Strange how much flattery 
women will swallow about their children. They're 
the homeliest kids Pve seen for a long time. 

Mrs. Harlow. (Arranging Mildred's hair) 
Yes, everybody says they are beautiful. I am get- 
ting their pictures taken to send to the beauty con- 
test that is running in our paper. (To IMrLDREo) 
Now stand still while I get your hair fixed nice. 

Mildred. I don't want my hair fixed nice. I 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 7 

won't have any old picture took. {Rtimples hair) 

Mrs Harlow. See how httle sister lets me fix 
hers Come over here, Gracie dear. (Grace begtns 
to howl and kick) . , 

GrIce. I want to go home ! I want to go home ! 
I don't like that man's face. 

Mrs Harlow. Sh, Gracie dear 

Gracf I don't care, I don't like h,m and I won t 

. V He' cot a face like a monkey and I hate hmi. 

I'm goingn°ome. (Grace rushes for door, Mrs. 

Harlow grabs her) , ., 

Mrs Harlow. No, you are not gomg home. 1 

haven't dressed vou all up in your best clothes foi 

nothing. You are going to have your pictures taken 

now I have you all ready. Let me fix your hair. 

Grace. I won't, I won't, I \von t. 

Photographer. Come over here and see what I 

have in this box. (Photographer ol:ens box a ve,y 

''t.iEr^'/do^t care what's in your old box, I 

^■'p\SRrPHEt- (Peepi.,inbo.) Isn't it cun 
ninc.^ See its little eyes! (Mildred o»irf Grace 
edg7over slozvly .vhUe he keeps ^"Ikmandfi-^^ 
look in the box) Now, if you are nice little girl^ 
and sit over in that chair I'll let you take this box 
home v.-ith you. Come along! 
(Mildred and Grace rather umvilUngly are led 
to the chair. Photographer poses them ana 
goes to camera. MilMed slaps Grace.) 
Mrs. Harlow. What did you do that for, 

^''mildrfj>. She kicked me and she's taking up all 

* Photographer. Now I shall have to fix you all 
over again. (Again poses them, goes back to 
camera) 



8 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Mrs. Harlow. Oh, dear, Mildred's hair doesn't 
look nice now {Fives Mildred's hair) and Grace 
your dress is all wrinkled up (Arranges dress) 

Photographer. All ready now, just smile a 
little. Look at tliis little fellow. {Dangles some 
doll or monkey) Now. (Snaps camera just as 
Mildred sticks out tongue at Grace) You've 
spoiled that plate, stuck out your tongue just as I 
snapped it. Pll try once more. I think, perhaps, 
madam, if you should go out I could do better with 
the children. 

Mrs. Harlow. Now be good, little angels. 

Mildred. I ain't no angel and I don't want to 
be no angel. 

(Mrs. Harlow goes out.) 

Photographer. You'd better be an angel for a 
few minutes. (Poses them again) Now if you 
dare to move out of that position Pll shut you both 
up in that dark closet over there and it's full of 
rats. Do you hear? 

Mildred and Grace. (Very meekly) Yes, sir. 

(Photographer goes to camera, dangles toy.) 

Photographer. Now, smile. (Mildred and 
Grace look rather frigJitened and sober) Smile, 
I tell you. H you don't, into that closet you go. 
(They smile feebly and he snaps camera) All 
right. You may come in now, madam. (Mrs. 
Harlow enters) You can get down now, girls. 
They behaved beautifully. (Mrs. Harlow and 
children get on wraps) The proofs will be ready 
to-morrow. Shall I mail them or will you call? 

Mrs. Harlow. I will call. I can hardly wait to 
see how the beautiful darlings look in a picture. 

Photographer. You -can pay two dollars now 
and the rest when you get the pictures. 

Mrs. Harlow. I don't know as I ousrht to have 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 9 

had these pictures taken now as my husband has 
been out of work for some time and we owe six 
months' rent and a big bill at the grocer's but I told 
my husband I didn't know any easier way to make 
five hundred dollars than to have these lovely darl- 
ings' pictures taken and sent in to the beauty contest. 
Pm sure they'll win first prize. Don't you think 

so? 

Photograppier. They surely will (Aside) not, 

(Grace hits Mildred.) 

Mildred. Stop, quick, he'll put us in that 
closet. 

(Both look at Photographer zirho points to closet. 
Mr. Sargent enters.) 

Photographer. Good morning, Mr. Sargent. 
Fine morning. 

Mr. Sargent. Great! That portrait of mine 
all finished now? 

Photographer. Yes, all done, I'll show it to 
you in just a minute. (To Mrs. Harlow and chil- 
dren zvho are going out) PU have the proofs all 
ready by ten to-morrow. 

(Mrs. Harlow and children go out. Mildred puts 
head in door and sticks out tongue.) 

Mildred. You hateful old thing, you don't dare 
to put me in that closet. 

(Photograplier makes move towards her, she 
slams door and runs.) 

Photographer. That's the homeliest, hatefulest 
kid Pve seen for a long time and her fond mother 
thinks her a vision of goodness and loveliness. 
Queer things these mothers are! (Gets large 



10 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

picture) Just finished this yesterday. I think it a 
speaking hkeness, Eve caught such a natural ex- 
pression. Don't you think so? 

Mr. Sargent. {Looking at it critically) Not 
bad, Mr. Unhappy, not at all bad but you've left 
out a most essential feature. 

Photographer. Excuse me but I thought you 
wouldn't care to have the — the — er — er — the — er 
■ — the wart put in the picture. 

Mr. Sargent. (Angrily) Wart, sir! Wart I 
Who said anything about a wart? Ed thank you 
to mind your own business. I don't want any wart 
in the picture but confound it, I do want my 
diamonds to show. What did you think I was 
liaving a picture painted for if it wasn't to let folks 
know I have diamonds. 

Photographer. I can easily remedy that. Let 
me see how many diamonds you have. (Looks 
at Mr. Sargent's jezvelry) All right, I'll put 
them in for you. 

Mr. Sargent. You might put in a few more 
than I have on. Ell pay you ten dollars extra for 
every one 3^ou can work in. Em going to send this 
portrait to a lady friend of mine and I want it to 
make a hit with her. 

Photographer. Ell make you shine like the 
stars and have it all ready for you to-morrow. 

Mr. Sargent. All right, be sure to put in all 
the diamonds you possibly can. Good morning. 

(Exit Mr. Sargent. Enter Mrs. Jotham.) 

Photographer. Good morning, madam. What 
can I do for you this morning? 

Mrs. Jotham. Eve come to hev my pictur 
took. My folks hev been a peskerin' of me fur 
some time but las' time I hed one took you'd hev 
thought ter look at it I wuz a stout woman and you 
kin see at one look Em inclined ter l)e slim. I wuz 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 11 

so disgusted with 'em I burned 'em all up and I 
ain't never tried sence. Do you think you can take 
a pictur that will make me look as slim as I ralely 
be. 

Photographer. We'll see what we can do. 
Look these pictures over and see what position you 
would like. {Hands her some photos which she 
looks oz^er) 

Mrs. Jotham. I don't jest like any of these. 
(Spies very large picture of slight, stylish girl on 
7vall, goes over to it) Now thet's a right smart 
lookin' pictur an' jest about my size and style I 
should say. Do you think I could stand like thet? 
{Tries to pose like picture) Guess thet's about it, 
ain't it? 

Photographer. Stand right over here and w^e'll 
try what we can do. Do you want to keep your 
hat on? 

Mrs. Jotham. Yes {Points to picture) she 
hez hers on and I want mine to look jest like hers. 

Photographer. {Tzvisting Mrs. Jotham's head) 
There, hold your head just so. 

(Mrs. Jotham holds her head very stiff.) 

Photographer. No, not so stiff, hold it natur- 
ally. So. {Poses head) 

Mrs. Jotham. Let me get another look at the 
way that gal is holdin' hers. So? Hev I got it 
now? 

Photographer. No. {Takes hold of head, 
turns it one zvay, then another, then goes and looks 
through camera, comes hack and adjusts again, 
bending over her) 

Mrs. Jotham. Fur the land's sakes ! I didn't 
know but you wuz agoin' ter kiss me and I warn 
you that you'd better not or Josiah'd make it warm 
fur you. He's turrible jealous, is Josiah. 

Photographer. Don't be at all alarmed, madam. 
(Gives head another turn, looks through camera) 



12 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

A'ery good, now one, two, three, ready. All done, 
madam. 

(Mrs. Jotham looks at picture on zvall again.) 

Mrs. Jotham. Guess my folks will be powerful 
pleased when they see the stylish pictur I hev. I 
hope it'll look jest like thet gal. 

Photographer. You pay two dollars down and 
the rest when your pictures are ready. 

Mrs. Jotham. Indeed and I call that cheeky. 
How do I know I like 'em and then where'U my 
two dollars be? 

Photographer. You'll have to pay that before 
I go ahead with the pictures. 

Mrs. Jotham. Here 'tis then but I tell you now 
if the picturs ben't rale slim and stylish lookin' 
jest like I be I shan't take one of 'em. I must 
liurry up an' buy some socks fur Josiah and get 
home to dinner. I left a biled dinner a cookin' 
on the stove. 

Photographer. Your proofs v\^ill be ready to- 
morrow. 

Mrs. Jotham. All right, but be sure to make 
'em rale slim an' stylish looking or I shan't take 
'em. 

(E.vit Mrs. Jotham. Enter Miss Slight.) 

Miss Slight. I want to get a picture of my- 
self that doesn't look like a string bean. Every 
picture I have looks like a skeleton, and Fve 
answered an advertisement in a matrimonial paper 
and Eve had a real nice letter from a young man 
and he wants my picture and T shouldn't wonder if 
Ed get him if I can only get the right kind of a 
picture. Do you think you could take a picture 
of me that would look real plump? 

Photographer. Ell do the best I can. 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 13 

Miss Slight. I want you to help me so I am 
going to tell you just the truth. Are you all alone? 

Photographer. Yes, all alone. 

Miss Slight. Eve been trying- for twenty years 
to get a husband and have never been able to. 
Now I think this is a chance and it may he nv; 
last one so I don't want to lose it so please do help 
me all you can. If I can only get a nice, plump 
looking picture that er — that — well — that docsn t 
look any older than I am I feel he will propose in 
the next letter. He has written me such a sweet 
letter. I wear it over my heart all the time. Oh, 
it will break my heart if I lose this one ! I have 
had so many disappointments. 

Photographer. Cheer up, I think we can fix 
up a picture that will make him propose in short 
order. 

Miss Slight. Oli, if you only can, you'll have my 
everlasting gratitude and Ell remember you in mv 
prayers every ni<^ht. (Miss- Slight arranges hair 
and dress before mirror) 

Photographer. Now right here, sit down iu 
this chair. (Adjusts) There, that position — no — 
just so — that's better. Now let me put something 
in your cheeks to fill them out. (Puts something 
inside eaeli cheek) There, that's better. (Runs 
to camera, looks, then hack again to Miss Slight) 
A little more this way — so — yes. (Takes another 
look through camera) Your face looks quite 
plump but your hands look too skinny. Here, let 
me drape this shawl over your shoulders and cover 
your hands. There, that's better. (Another look 
through camera) Ell loosen that shawl over the 
shoulders so you'll look stouter. (Looks through 
camera again) That's fine, only one cheek looks 
fatter than the other. We must fix that or he'll 
think you have mumps on one side. (Goes to Miss 
Slight and pushes bunch around in cheek) Does 
that hurt vou? 



14 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Miss Slight. {Holding onto cheeks and trying 
to talk) Yes, it hurts but I don't care if I only 
can get a picture that will make that dear, lovely 
young man propose to me. 

Photographer. Now, your hair, let me arrange 
that. (Pulls and fixes hair, the more ridiculous the 
better, looks through camera) There, if that 
picture wouldn't melt a heart of stone, what would? 

Miss Slight. H it will only melt his heart! 
His letter has melted mine. {Holds hand over 
heart) 

Photographer. Now smile sweetly. (Miss 
Slight tries to smile and disarranges cheek stuffing) 
Oh, dear, the other cheek has the mumps now. 
{Arranges cheek again) Now, try to smile care- 
fully so it won't disarrange the stuffing. (Miss 
Slight smiles a very stiff, forced smile and holds 
herself in a very tense position. Photographer at 
camera) All ready, ready — Done. 

Miss Slight. {Removes cheek padding and 
drazvs a long breath) Oh, do you think Ell look 
plump? Em so anxious I shan't sleep a wink to- 
night. Oh, if it will only look young and pretty 
and plump. 

Photographer. Just had a stout woman in here 
that wanted a thin picture. Too bad you and she 
couldn't change back again quick enough. Human 
couldn't change back again quik eonugh. Human 
nature is never suited. 

Miss Slight. Do you think Ell look real stylish 
in the picture? 

Photographer. I expect it'll be a stunner. 

Miss Slight. Oh, I am so glad and Ell send it 
to the dear man right off and you shall be invited 
to the wedding and have a piece of the wedding 
cake. Em going to wear a long veil with orange 
blossoms and Ell have you take another picture of 
me in my bridal dress. It was so nice of you to 
help me. Do finish it up quick, won't you, so I can 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 15 

mail it just as. son as possible. I shouldn't wonder 
a bit if some bold women had sent him their 
pictures already. 

Photograph. Yes. Pll do it just as soon as I 
can. (Aside) I don't know but Pll be arrested for 
conspiracy in fraudulent use of the mail. {Aloud) 
Three dollars now and the rest when they are 
finished. 

Miss Slight. Pll give every cent I own in the 
world if I can only get a nice, plump picture. Do 
hurry, won't you, I just can't stand this dreadful 
suspense much longer. Pm afraid Pm getting 
thinner every day. Do please go right to work at 
them . Good-bye. 

(Exit Miss Slight. Enter Mrs. Newrich.) ' 

1^,'Irs. Ni'WRICh. (Very haiKjJity manner) I 
have come to see about having pictures of my 
father and mother to hang in our family galley. 
Them horrid Van Dusens next to us think they are 
so much better than we be just because they have 
a whole row of horrid, old fashioned looking crea- 
tures they call .their anticesters hanging in their 
hall or galley, is it, they call it. 

Photographer. Perhaps you mean gallery, do 
^>ou? 

Mrs. Newrich. Yes. come to think of it I 
guess that was it. Some furrin word I s'pose. 
Now we have a lot more money than that horrid, 
proud Van Dusen faniily if we did make it ped- 
dling fish and Pm just going to show them I have 
some anticesters too. 

Photographer. For vrhat day did you want to 
make the appointment for your father and mother 
to sit for their pictures? 

Mrs. Newrich. Sit for their pictures! \\'hy, 
they've been dead these twenty years. 



11} A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Photoc:rapher. Oh, you have some pictures 
you Avish a^pied. 

Mrs. Ne\v'Rich. No^ they never had a picture 
taken in their lives. 

Photographer. AVell, I hardly see how I am 
going to make any pictures of them for you. I 
never saw them in my life. 

Mrs. Newrich. Isn't that a picture of David 
over there? 

Photographer. Yes, it is. 

Mrs. Newrich. Did you paint it? 

Photographer. Yes. 

^iRS. Newrich. Did you ever see David? 

Photographer. No. 

Mrs. Newrich. Well, if you can paint a picture 
of him, } ou can paint one of m}^ father and 
mother, can't you? 

Photographer. Perhaps so. 

Mrs. Newrich. And I don't want no old- 
fashioned clothes on them either like them Van 
Duscns have on their family poultices. 

Photographer. Portraits you mean? 

Ihis. NE^^'RICH. Pd be ashamed to have 
poultices of my grandfather and grandmother look 
as old-fashioned as theirs do. I want them both 
dressed in the very latest style and be sure to wave 
mother's hair though she never would crimp it one 
bit and put a good high collar on father. He never 
wore a collar in his life but he's got to wear one in 
this ]Mcture. It always did try me so to see him 
going around without any collar on. 

PnoTOGiiAPHER. Wait a minute, I think I have 
some pictures that will do for your father and 
mother. ( Goes to one side of stage and brings over 
two fn:in<d portraits) There, that is your father. 

Mi:s. Newrich. You don't say so. Well, I 
should v't ha\-e known him, he has changed so but 
perh:ipi; having a collar on makes him look dif- 
ferci:t. lie looks real swell though. I shan't be 



A PHOTOGRAx^HER'S TROUBLES. 17 

ashamed to hang- his poultice in my family galley. 
(PiiOTOGRAPiiER Jiaiids her tlie other portrait.) 

Photographer. And this is your mother. 

Mrs. Newrich. So that is mother. She's 
changed awfully too. Grown a lot younger but 
she's real stylish looking too. I should never have 
known her. How much do you charge for father's 
and mother's pictures? 

Photographer. Those will be two hundred dol- 
lars.- (Aside) And they're not worth two cents. 

Mrs. Newrich. Very well, I will send you a 
check for them. I rather think Mrs. Van Dusen 
will ask me to her next card party after I show 
her these swell looking poultices of my anticesters. 
Now I want you to do some of Mr. Newrich's 
father and mother right off and be sure to make 
them right up to date and stylish. Vm not going 
to have them Van Dusens say my anticesters didn't 
have no stylish clothes to wear. My li-mouse-ine 
is waiting. 

Photographer. Will you take the portraits 
with you? 

Mrs. Newrich. Yes, my "chafer" will take 
them and hang them right up for me and Ell ask 
Mrs. Van Dusen to come in to see them this after- 
noon. She's given me a good many hits about my 
anticesters but when she sees these poultices she'll 
wish she'd kept still. I expect 'twill make her tur- 
ribly ashamed of her old-fashioned looking an- 
ticesters. 

Photographer. I will carry them down for 
you. 

(Mr. Wrong enters.) 

Photographer. (To Mr. Wrong) Ell be back 
in just a minute. Some magazines on the table 



18 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

you can look at while you're waiting. (Photog- 
rapher and Mrs. Newrich go out) 

Mr. Wrong. {Looking at magazines) Feed- 
ing of Infants, June 1888. Well, Em not much 
interested in the feeding of infants and that in- 
fant must be pretty well grown up now — 1888 — 
twenty-eight years old. Nothing like keeping up 
to date reading matter on your tables. The Love 
Letter Guide, 1890 — afraid those have been used 
so much every girl in the country knows them by 
heart. Guess that's too heavy reading for me. 
{Looks at photos) Pretty good looker, that. This 
one looks as if it were a painful operation. Per- 
haps Ell think so before I get through. 

(Photographer enters.) 

Photographer. All ready now. Want your 
picture taken? 

Mr. Wrong. Yes, I thought Ed try it. 

Photographer. Do you want a sitting or a 
standing position? 

Mr. Wrong. I think Ed better sit, my knees 
feel rather weak already. 

Photographer. Sit right there then. So. 
{Adjusts him, turning head sideways, goes to 
camera, gives one look, rushes out and tzvists Mr. 
Wrong's head) Your face is altogether wrong. 

Mr. Wrong. You needn't tell me of it, Eve 
known it for years. 

Photographer. Altogether wrong. {Tiuists 
head making it nearly face camera) I think your 
face would be better seven-eighths' full. 

Mr. Wrong. Eve thought that myself but my 
:wife objects to my getting even half full. 

(Photographer gives head another twist.) 

Photographer. I don't like your head. {An- 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 19 

uthcr tzcist, rushes to camera, takes look, dodges 
cut again) Smile a little. 

(^Mr. \\'RO^'G smiles a very forced unnatural 
smile.) 

Photographer. Stop it quick. (Goes to 
camera) Open your mouth a little. (Mr. Wrong 
opens mouth) Close it, close it. Your ears look 
too big. 

Mr. W^roxg. Perhaps you could cut ot¥ a piece 
of them. 

Photographer. Roll your eyes up a little. (Mr. 
Wrong rolls eyes almost out of sight) 

Photographer. No, that won't do. {Comes 
over to Mr. Wrong) Don't hold on to the chair 
as if it was going- to run away. Put your hands on 
your knees — so — -now throw out your lungs — now 
look right at the camera. {Goes to camera) 

Piiotogkappier. I don't quite like the face now 
— the nose and mouth are not right. 

Mr. Wrong. [Jumping up) Pve stood enough 
of your talk. This face is mine, not yours, Pve 
carried it round for forty years and have got rather 
attached to it. ^ The mouth is mine and if it doesn't 
suit you I can't help it and my nose has been a 
pretty useful friend for a good many years and 
if you don't like them you can lump them. You 
needn't take a picture of my features if they don't 
suit you. {Gets on hat) Perhaps PU call again 
some day if I decide to have my face remodeled. 

(Mr. AA'rong goes out, slamming door.) 

Photographer. Well, I never, what's the mat- 
ter with him? 

(Enter Mrs. Changed.) 



20 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Mrs. Changed. Is my proof ready? 

Photographer. All ready. (Goes to table or 
desk, gets proof, both look at it) Fine, isn't it? 

Mrs. Changed. Y-e-es, but is that me? 

Photographer. Of course. 

Mrs. Changed. The mouth doesn't look just 
like mine. 

Photographer. No, yours was too large alto- 
gether so I retouched it and made it smaller. 

(Mrs. Changed studies proof a minute.) 

Mrs. Changed. I can't make the eyes look like 
mine. 

Photographer. No, I retouched those too and 
made them a little larger. Came out line, didn't 
they ? 

Mrs. Changed. Do you think so? Do my eye- 
brows look like that? 

Photographer. No, your eyebrows aren't heavy 
enough so I darkened them a good deal. 

Mrs. Changed. My hair doesn't look at all 
natural, I haven't such a high forehead as that. 

Photographer. Yes, I don't like the hair low 
on the forehead so by a new process -I have I was 
enabled to push the hair back thus raising the line 
of the forehead. 

Mrs. Changed. The only thing that looks 
natural is my nose. That looks just like mine. 

Photographer. Don't worry about that, 
madam. I can remedy that when I come to print 
the pictures. I could even remove it altogether if 
necessary. 

Mrs. Changed. (Indignantly) See here, this 
thing has gone far enough. I came here for a 
photograph — something that looked like me, crazy 
as you may think it. I wanted something that 
would show my face as Nature made it, I wanted 
something my relatives might have to look at after 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 21 

Pm gone to help them remember how I looked. 
But what have you done? You have changed 
every feature but my nose. Go ahead with your 
dastardly work, take off my nose if you want to, 
cut off my ears, fix my hair the way it never was 
in this world, blacken my eyebrows, correct my 
eyes and any other -old thing you want to — then 
when you have done it all, keep it for yourself, I 
have no use whatever for it. Good-day, sir. 

(Exit Mrs. Chanced.) 

Photographer. Well, I do declare if some 
folks aren't terrible ungrateful ! 

(Enter Rube and Sal zvith large old-fashioned 
valise and umbrella.) 

Rube. Me and my gal want to hev our picturs 
took. 

Photographer. All right, Pll be glad to take 
them for you. 

Rube. Yes, Pve l)rung Sal up ter the city to 
show her the sights and Pm a spendin' money right 
and left. P)on't know what maw'll think of it. 
Spent ten cents already sence we struck the place 
but what's the use of hevin' money if yer can't 
spend it, I say. \Ya\, me and Sal want ter hev 
two tin types took so's she kin hev one ter keep 
and I kin hev one. 

Photographer. I don't do that kind of work. 

Rube. I thought yoti sed you took picturs. 

Photographer. I do, but not that kind. Let 
me show you some of my work. (Hands them 
some photos) \Miat style do you prefer? 

Rube. Say, Sal, you're great on style. (To 
Photographer) She's great on style, li there's 
anything you want ter know about style you jest 
ask Sal. 



22 A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Sal. Oh, Rube, you make me blush. 

Photographer. Would you like a full length 
picture or just a bust? 

Sal, (Aside to Rube) Law sakes. Rube, he's 
a turriblc, ignorant man. He said bust and paw 
told me to alius say burst. 

Rube. By gosh, Sal, but you air mighty smart. 
You put these air city folks in the shade any day. 

Sal. (To Photographer) No, we don't want 
no burst picture. We want a hull length one, don't 
we, Rubie? 

Rube. Sure we do. What we want is a couple 
of picturs of me an' Sal aholdin' hands. 

Sal. (Simpering) Oh, Rube! 

Photographer. Well, take your position here. 
(Rube grabs up valise and umbrella to take with 
him) You don't want those in the picture, put 
them over there. 

Rube. Not by a goshed dinged sight. I ain't 
agoin' ter take no chances of hevin' these air 
vallerbles stole. 

Photographer. They will be perfectly safe 
over there. * 

Rube. No, siree, I don't take no chances. Thet 
valise hez only bin used a few times, paw got it 
when he got married to kerry his biled shirt in 
and this air umberell is wuth as much as forty- 
nine cents. Maw alius believes in buying good 
things if they do come high. I'll jest keep them 
right here whar I kin keep my eye on 'em. 

Photographer. WqW, take the position you 
wish. (Rube and Sal hold hands and take a very 
awkward, ungainly position. Photographer goes 
to camera and puts head under cloth ) 

Sal. Wot's he doin' thet for, Rube? 

Rube. I dunno. 

Sal. Say, do you s'pose he's laffin' at us and 
hidin' his head so's wx won't see him. Let go my 



A PHOTOGRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 23 

hand, Rube. I know he's jest latfin' at us behind 
that cloth. 

Rube. W^al, who cares if he is and while he's 
got his head under thet air cloth Pm agoin' ter giv 
you a good smack. 

Sal. No, you ain't neither, Rube, PU slap your 
face if you darst. 

Photographer. All ready. Look pleasant. 
(Rube gets on a very strained, peculiar expression) 

Sal. You don't want ter look like thet in the 
pictur. 

Rube. Look like what? 

Sal. I don't know what but you're turrible 
funny lookin'. Iron your face out. 

Photographer. All ready, smile a little. There, 
look pleasant, pleasant. (Rube and Sal gase at 
camera with stern, unflinching faces, grasps one 
another's hands very tightly and hold themselves 
in very stiff, unnatural attitude) Now, all ready — 
All over. 

Sal. Pm turrible glad it's over. 

Rube. When will them picturs be ready? In 
about ten minutes ? 

Photographer. No, about ten days. 

Rube. Ten days ! Why, I hed my pictur took 
onct at the Skodunk Fair and they hed it ready in 
ten minutes. You must be gosh dinged slow. 

Photographer. That was a different quality of 
work. You can pay part of the money now and 
the rest when you get them. 

Rube. Now, you jest look a here, you needn't 
be a takin' me fur no greenhorn cuz I've got my 
eye teeth cut if I be from the country. You don't 
git one cent of my money till I git them picturs 
in my paw. 

Photographer. That is the rule, all my 
customers do that. The price ,is two dollars and 
you can pay one dollar now and the other dollar 
when you receive the pictures. 



24 A PHOTOCxRAPHER'S TROUBLES. 

Rube. Two dollars! Do you think I want ter 
buy out your hull place? No, siree, the old farm 
is good enuff fur me and Sal. I'm willin' ter pay 
ten cents when I get 'em but not one cent more 
will I pay. Fm not ez green ez you think I be 
and I don't buy none of your gold bricks. 

Photographer. I can't let you have them any 
less. 

Rube. Come on, Sal, I expect he wants to keep 
them air picturs of ourn to put in some of these 
air beauty contests I've heern tell of. Wal, he kin 
if he wants ter. We'll go and find a place whar 
they do take tin types. Come on, Sal, hang on to 
thet air umberell. 

Sal. I hev it all right. 

Rube. {To Photographer) Guess p'raps 
you'll know better than ter try yer gum games on 
the next folks thet come in. I've a good mind ter 
tell the perlice about you. Come on,* Sal. 

(Sal and Rube go out.) 

Photographer. {Angrily pacing to and fro, 
rumpling up hair) If a photographer's life isn't 
enough to drive a man crazy I'd like to know what 
is. I'm sick and tired of the whole business and 
I'm going to sell out the first chance I get. Yes, 
sir, I'm going right out now and get an ad in this 
afternoon's paper and I hope I'll sell it before I go 
to bed to-night or I don't know but I'll be a raving 
maniac. (Photographer puts on hat and rushes 
out, slamming door) 

CURTAIN. 



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